What we could be
by TR-Fanfic
Summary: Having a taste of what they could be together, if they were only allowed, leads to tough realizations, and tougher choices.


What We Could Be

Prompt: From the Bridges of Madison County submitted by Mkim  
Another from Kincaid: I don't want to need you, 'cause I can't have you. 

Word count: 3601 

Category: Romance 

Rating: Mild

Disclaimer:

Summary: Having a taste of what they could be together, if they were only allowed, leads to tough realizations, and tougher choices.

Harm picked up another file, and simultaneously rolled his eyes and sighed. You'd think by the stack on his desk that he and Mac had been gone for a month. But they hadn't. It had been 6 days. 6 days that they were together. 6 days that they worked, and slept, and ate, and brushed their teeth together. 6 days that had been the culmination of all of his dreams of what a life with her could be. He opened the file, stared past the words into the sea of white confusion behind them. His mind wandering.

**He turned over and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her in close to his body. She smelled of shower gel and brown sugar, and woman. She responded to his warmth, first burrowing in closer, then stretching as she began to wake. He felt every muscle in her tall fit body, tense and ripple against him. Every curve and shape molded perfectly to his body. He groaned, almost inaudibly, and in response she trailed her hand up his arm and laced her fingers with his. He could still hear the sound, the tiny clink, of their wedding rings as they made contact. Slowly they drifted back to sleep in each other's arms. And in the morning when they woke, they disengaged and pretended once more that none of this was real, and nothing had changed. **

Harm's heart sank at the memory. Having to let go of her, to pack their things and come back to life as usual. To continue to tell each other and themselves that they hadn't been irrevocably changed. To take off those rings… He tried once more to read the file, but he couldn't. Thoughts of he and Mac together kept leaping in and crowding out any piece of useful information that may have made its way into his gray matter. They'd fit so well together. Without the pressures of the future, the heartaches of their past, without the prospect of separating if they chose to make the leap in "real" life, they'd be a perfect fit. He wanted to pull his hair, but it was too short and his fingers too long. He wanted to scream. He wanted to march into her office and beg her to go back there with him. Just one more week, one more week of pretending and he could get it out of his system. He shook his head, knowing that that isn't what would happen. He would just want more of her.

"You okay?"

Her voice startled him out of his funk. "Uh…yeah, fine. Why?"

She smirked. "You're pulling your own hair."

He rolled his eyes, 'I guess it was long enough to pull after all'. Slowly he made his finger release his now disheveled locks. Leaving one group of unruly strands sticking straight out from the side of his head. "It's just this work load." He gestured toward the stack of files in his inbox, and leaned back in his chair spreading his knees to a more comfortable position.

Mac did her best not to crotch gaze and was barely able to stop herself. She knew that whatever he had housed in that form-fitting uniform must be impressive. She knew, because she knew what it felt like pressed against her as he held her. Held her and slept, and caressed her face, her arms, her legs, and still slept, as if he couldn't get enough of her, even in his sleep. As if it were the most natural thing in the world for him to hold her, touch her that way. As if she was his, and he was hers. She nearly swayed on her feet at the memory of their last night in the hotel. He'd clung to her, wrapped his strong arms around her, pressed his impressive form against her, as if imprinting her on his skin. She took a deep breath, put on a brave face and a genuine smile, as she made her way around his desk, and reached out to smooth down the hair on the side of his head. She stopped mid- smooth as he shied away from her. A slight frown creased her brow, but she said nothing. She'd hoped that after seeing how well they'd fit together while out on assignment that his fears would be quelled and he'd be ready to move forward with her. Obviously that wasn't the case. She found in the few days since they'd been back that thoughts of the way they'd been together were with her every waking moment, and in her dreams as well. She'd woken up every night since they'd been back, reaching for him. Did he not feel the same? Did he not see that his fears, whatever they were, about starting a relationship with her, were unfounded? She inwardly sighed, as much as she knew him; she also knew that he was unpredictable. One moment he'd look at her like she was the most precious thing he'd ever seen, and the next he'd be aloof and nonchalant.

She took a step away from him. "I came to ask you if you'd like to grab some dinner. It's getting really late and I'm starving."

He gave her an 'I'm relieved you're not asking me why I was pulling my own hair' smile, but he couldn't hide the wariness in his eyes. "That sounds good, but I'm swamped here. Rain check?"

She pursed her lips. Wanted to argue, but knew that it would be to no avail. "Okay… rain check."

There was a moment of awkward silence. He refused to look at her, but couldn't look away. His eyes met hers through an invisible shield he'd erected between them. Why? It was almost a question she'd asked out loud, but she didn't. She was too afraid of the answer. Maybe he simply didn't love her. Maybe that's conclusion he'd come to. Despite the way he'd sighed into her hair when he held her. The way he'd looked at the ring on her finger, the longing in his eyes when he'd thought she wasn't looking. She'd thought they were so close to something. Really starting something. And now, nada! Now she was the one who wanted to pull her hair out!

*4 Hours Later*

She was there with him, could feel him, smell him, knew the cadence of his heart against hers. He'd pulled her near again, in his sleep, hauled her almost directly on top of him. Rested his rough unshaven cheek on the top of her head. She felt warm, and protected, and loved. A wave of longing, of love, hit her full force, left her breathless. She felt it tingling, racing in her veins with her blood. With the rapid acceleration of her heart. She had him close, so close, and it wasn't enough. A small whimper sounded in the back of her throat. A plea to be held closer, tighter. He made an answering sound, and just when his arms began to tighten around her, he vanished, and she was left there in the tangled sheets, alone. She buried her face in her hands and wept.

*Same time, across town*

Harm turned over in bed and running on pure instinct reached for her. She'd asked for him to hold her. To be closer. He'd heard it, felt it deep inside. She didn't have to ask twice. When his arms came up empty, he cocked one eye open and let out a low growl. "Damn it!" He swore as he sent his pillow flying. He'd slept for 40 years without her, how was it that 6 days could've turned his whole world on its ear? This was ridiculous. There were rules when it came to Mac. Rules that were there for a reason. Though at the moment he couldn't remember any of those reasons. Still there were rules. He'd loved her for years. She'd stepped into his life and bowled him over like no one ever had. Not even Diane. And he had fought the feelings for years, until he finally realized that he couldn't deny his heart. With that realization had come the acceptance. They'd never be more than they were if they wanted to stay together. The system just wouldn't let them. So he'd told himself that what they had was enough for him. That the connection he had with her, the trust and protection they gave to each other, was enough. He could live without touching her. Without kissing her…too often. Mistletoe didn't count. Without coming home to her and holding her at night. Because he could have her every day, in every other way. And wasn't that better than seeing her only once in a while? Even if during that once in a while he could touch her, he could hear her tell him she loved him…? He let out a shaky sigh. Damn it to hell and back again! Why had it suddenly changed? Why was what they had not enough for him anymore? He sat up in bed. The sheet falling to his waist. It wasn't enough because they had changed things. They'd gotten a taste of what they thought they could live without, and found it addicting. At least he did. She seemed to be doing just fine. The question was, how did they get it all back to normal again? If normal was a word they could use to describe what they had.

*The next morning*

Mac stepped in the break room at JAG headquarters. COFFEE! She needed coffee, and Harm! Or Coffee flavored Harm…that would be….AAAAHHH! She shook her head. 'No! No Harm, just coffee! And lots of it!' She frowned at herself in disgust; she needed to get him out of her head. And she could. She knew she could if she only had her answers. How could he hold her like that, look at her like that…and then…? She sighed. She had to talk to him. To ask the tough and scary questions. The office wasn't the right place for that, but she had a sneaking suspicion that if she didn't catch him there, he would be able to evade her, and she'd be left hanging. Even if she got the painful answers, she needed to know. Really know. Once and for all.

"What's wrong?" He'd asked the question before he could stop himself, and then wondered why he second guessed it. That was a normal question, and they needed to get things back to normal…right?

She jumped, spilling coffee over her cuffs and onto the counter. "Damn it!"

He put his hand on her back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…startle…you." She slowly raised her head, and was looking at him with an intensity that stole his breath. A wave of heat and electricity pulsed between his hand and her back. He wanted to snatch it away, but it wouldn't move. It couldn't stop touching her, no matter what he wanted it to do. In the name of all that was Holy…he couldn't even touch her anymore. Not even like normal. Now what the hell was he going to do? After a minute he managed to let his hand drop from her back and to his side.

"It's…it's okay. I was just thinking. Harm…we need to…talk."

If it hadn't lanced through her, hitting her heart and slicing it in two, she would have laughed at his terrified expression. He didn't have time to answer her, she didn't have time to let the pain sink in and settle, as the Admiral came in.

"I need to see you both in my office as soon as possible."

They responded with an automatic and simultaneous. "Yes Sir."

Silently they cleaned up the coffee spill, and while Harm waited for her to get into a new uniform, his mind was racing. He just needed to get through the day with her without making a fool of himself. Or showing his hand. Or tackling her onto the nearest flat surface and doing what he'd wanted to do with her every night they'd been undercover.

They'd walked together to the Admiral's office in silence.

The Admiral folded his arms and gestured towards the chairs in front of his desk. "I'll get to the short strokes. I have to send you back . There have been developments that we didn't foresee, and the quickest and most efficient resolution would be to put you two back under cover to handle the situation."

"For how long Sir?" Mac asked.

"For another week, maybe two."

Harm nearly squirmed in his seat. "As…as a married couple? Same cover?"

The Admiral and Mac both simultaneously frowned. "Of course Commander. That's generally how this works."

Harm shook his head. "Of course. I apologize. I…wasn't thinking."

The Admiral acknowledged the apology by moving on. He handed them both a file folder outlining the extension of their mission.

Harm stood automatically, and left the office with Mac at his heels.

"Harm wait up."

He slowed for her. Mindful of watchful eyes and listening ears.

"We still need to talk," she said quietly.

"Mac, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Harm," she said firmly. "We need to talk, now!"

He nodded, knowing the discussion was inevitable. Maybe she was right, it's better to get things settled before they go too far the next time they're forced to pretend they are everything to each other he wanted them to be.

Mac closed the door to her office, locked it, shut the blinds.

"Tell me what's wrong," She said.

"What do you mean?" He evaded.

"You know what I mean. You've been avoiding me since we got back, and I know your face, you looked like someone had kicked you in the stomach when we were ordered to go back. Something changed Harm, we were closer, and now you're pulling away from me, and I want to know why. Is the idea of even pretending to be married to me so repulsive?" She took a deep shuddering breath, trying her best to keep the pain, the tears, at bay.

He looked away. "I just think it's better this way."

"Better for whom?"

"For both of us."

"How's that? How has putting distance between us ever had a positive outcome?" She stepped closer. "You held me, you looked at me like…I was yours. How can you walk away from that? Did I disappoint you? Was being close to me not enough…?" She paused, prepared herself. "Do you no longer want to be my partner?"

She was pleased to see true shock in his eyes.

"No! Of course not Mac."

"Then what's…?"

He turned away, she recognized the move. He'd done the same on the Guadal Canal, only this time she was staying where she was. She had to know.

"Mac." He spoke, still turned away, his eyes falling shut. "For 6 days we were what we could be. Everything that could be ours if the planet of obstacles didn't stand in our way. We were just…us. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know…"

"How well we would fit together." She finished.

He nodded. "And now that we're back here, and we can't be…can't be those people. I can't get it out of my head. And I just don't know what to do. Because I miss you now, just because you walked out of the room. How do I work that way? How do I do anything but put up some distance and try to find a way to get us back to normal again?"

"Why do we have to go back?"

"Because I need you."

She frowned. "I need you too. Why is that a problem?"

He turned to her then. His eyes flashing with passion, sorrow, soul deep frustration. "I don't want to need you, 'cause I can't have you."

Tears rained down her cheeks. "Why? Why can't you have me? I'm certainly not going to stand in your way."

Pain marred his expression. "Because I can't. It's too much of a risk. I'd lose you and I know it."

"I don't understand. You know what we could be. What we could have."

His breath shook. "I'm sorry," he said. Reaching for the door.

"Is it so easy to let me go?"

His hand froze on the door knob, then dropped loosely to his side. "No."

She stepped closer. "Then why are you?"

"I'm not letting you go Mac. I just...don't know how to hold on. If we move forward, if we try to be what know we could be, they'll separate us. At least now I know you'll be here when I need you. I can be there for you when you need me. At least this way, I'll be able to come here and see you smile, and smell your perfume, and fight with you over a case. Make up over dinner. And no one, nothing can stand in our way because we know the line. And we can't cross it. We can't! I just…don't know how to hold on to you if we change things."

Truer words were never spoken. She knew that. Like she knew that he wanted her. Like she knew that she loved him. Like she knew that nothing between them would ever be simple. That the bad would be disastrous. The good phenomenal. He would give her a life of nothing short of the extraordinary. He already had. He was extraordinary. And like all extraordinary men, he would never know it.

Her heart wanted him. Ached for him. She crossed to him. Took one more step. Ever closer. A hairs breadth away. Leaned in just enough to feel the heat radiating from his body. Her cheek nearly rested on his shoulder. Her hands nearly stroked his sides. Her heart nearly burst from her chest. She never touched him. He had to come the rest of the way. He had to love her too.

"Do you remember what this feels like? To be this close? To melt right into each other?"

He swayed at her words, but did nothing. He was drowning in her, like he had every night they'd spent together as "husband and wife".

"How could you give it up Harm? When you know that I want it just as much. When I could be yours and you could be mine?"

For a moment they stayed that way. Eyes drifting shut, as the thrum of heart beats, and aura, and soul colliding with soul, surrounded them. He dropped his chin, nearly resting it on her hair. She raised her face, not quite touching her cheek to his. Warmth billowed up in the miniscule space between them. They swayed with the power of it.

"I know how to hold on," She whispered. "Sometimes it's the only thing I know how to do. I feel you everywhere. All the time. Even when it seems like that's the only option left, I don't know how to let go of you Harm. I don't want to."

He leaned in then. Touched his body to hers. Fell against her. Fell and felt his life hanging in the balance.

A lifetime of suppression. Of aching for love only to reach out and come up empty. Culminated in two whispered words spoken against the curve of her ear. "I'm yours."

He'd spoken the words. Spoken them out loud. Two words. Simple. Paramount.

She pulled back, meeting his eyes. Knowing that that quiet declaration was by far the most courageous thing he had ever done.

His breath came in rapid erratic bursts, as the magnitude of what they were saying, doing, sunk in. "How do we do this Mac?"

"I don't know, but we'll find a way. Because I don't ever want to sleep without you again."

He kissed the side of her face. "I'll do my best…but it won't be easy. We'll be apart frequently. We'll have to sleep apart…"

"Is that better than seeing each other every day, and sleeping apart every night now?"

"No." He said simply. "For so long I told myself that that's all I needed, and now…I have to have more. I just didn't know how to deal with that. You seemed like you were doing just fine, and I was the nervous wreck."

She pulled back just enough to give him a 'what the hell?' expression. "Are you kidding? I'm dying here."

He pulled her in close. "No, no dying." He cupped her face in his hands, wiped the tear tracks with his thumbs. "My God you're beautiful!" He said, and slowly sank his lips down onto hers. She clung to him, tried to dive right into his soul. He gave her all he had, and she responded in kind. "I need more," he said against her hair.

Her knees shook, her heart and body trembled. "So do I. So much more." She breathed. "I need all of you."

"But it will have to wait." He said, trying to regulate his breathing.

"Yes, it will have to wait. But not too long. My place. The moment we're done here. I've got to have you before we're on TAD and break every regulation in the book."

He smiled. "Your place it is."

The End


End file.
